Ep #154: Reimagining the Holidays: Creating New Traditions After Divorce

Welcome to Co-Parenting with Confidence, a podcast for those courageous moms out there who want to move past the conflict and frustration of divorce and show up as the mom they truly want to be. My name is Mikki Gardner. I'm a certified life and conscious parenting coach with my own personal dose of co-parenting experience. Throughout my co-parenting journey, I have learned to become confident in who I am as a woman and a mother, and I'm here to help you do the same. If you're ready to learn, learn what it takes to become a great co parent and an amazing example to your children. Well, get ready and let's dive into today's episode.

Hi, welcome back to the podcast. Today we're talking about reimagining the holidays, really creating new traditions post-divorce. Whether this is your first holiday season post-divorce, or maybe you're fifth, but you're looking to sort of refresh. You can always do that at any time. And so what I wanted to talk about today is how do we do that? Because the holidays can be really challenging, especially for parents and our kids as we're navigating life after divorce. But it also offers us a beautiful opportunity to really decide what it is that you want from the holidays with your kids, to create meaningful traditions that matter to you and figure out how are you going to celebrate this in a way that is actually in your best interest, your children's best interest, and really creating wellbeing and connection. Because it is totally possible. But it starts with the decision to do it. And I am so excited that you are here because you are listening to this, so you have made the decision. So job well done already.

Before we dive into that, I just want you to know one thing. I am always here for you if you need support. More than listening to this podcast or more than reading things or getting my emails or any of those wonderful opportunities. Right? But if you actually want to talk to somebody and you're like, mickey, I have questions and I just want to talk to somebody about what do I do, right? That's why I have the parenting breakthrough calls, so that we can have that conversation and make sure that you have the support that you need. That doesn't mean it's going to be a hard sell for coaching. Listen, I'm a coach. I love coaching. But how can we figure out what's the next step for you and what might that look like? So if you are interested in that, there is a link in the show notes. You can always go on, jump onto my calendar. Let's get on the phone or a zoom call for 20 to 30 minutes and really talk about what is going on for you. All right, back to what we are talking about today, which is reimagining the holidays. What I want to start with is let us just get really clear first and foremost on what is happening during the holidays. I feel like so many times we are all just sort of racing into it or trying to pack everything in because it is a really busy time of year that we don't sort of step back and say, what do I even want this holiday to look like?

Listen, if it is your first holiday post-divorce, one of my new clients, she is going through all of these things for the first time and it is overwhelming. It is extremely sad. There's a lot of anger, there's a lot of emotion, there's a lot of confusion, there's a lot of frustration, There's a little bit of jealousy. Right? there's all of the things and it's totally normal, right? So I want to normalize that right off the bat. But we have to really understand that the holidays are stressful, right? The holidays post-divorce is a whole nother ball of wax because we have all of these things that used to happen that aren't happening now. We're splitting time with our kids. They're away from us, right? They're going and creating holiday memories with the other co parent that we know nothing about. And listen, that is a really challenging thing to navigate and I don't want to minimize that. And that's where having someone in your corner to really talk through who's been through it, a mentor or a coach or someone like me to say, like, I hear you, right? This is normal because it helps us to know what's normal. And then also how do we actually move through it in a way that doesn't get us stuck. So expecting the emotions. Plan for the emotions, right? Plan for the sadness.

Now, that doesn't mean that we sort of wallow in it, but it means that we're expecting it, that we're not surprised by it, and that we actually allow some space for ourselves and our children to kind of have a lot of feelings, because that's what we do. That's what we do as human. And to be able to be with our kids and their feelings, we have to actually be with our own first. That's a different podcast, but it's important during the holidays too. Expect for you to have a lot of sort of maybe ups and downs coming and expect that that is going to Happen for your children, too. And we don't have to make it wrong. We don't have to rush past it. We don't have to sort of gift them everything so they don't feel the negative emotions, but it's just expecting them and allowing them to be there. The second thing I want to say is the holidays are stressful, right? In the best of circumstances. And when we're navigating them post-divorce, right, with the different schedules, with the throwing everything off, maybe the transitions back and forth, it is really stressful. So we need to prepare ourselves for that.

Listen, the theme that you're going to hear is always intentionality. It's the decision that I'm going to make that's going to support what I want, right? We can't just sort of run in and think like, oh, I really want this to work. Fingers crossed. No, we've actually got to be intentional, make the decision well ahead of time. How do I want to take care of myself? How do I want to manage the stress when it's coming? Because I know it's coming. We can act like it's not and put our head in the sand, or we can say, you know what? I know this is going to be a stressful period and how am I going to take care of myself? How am I going to help my kids navigate this? That looks like really making sure that you're taking care of your mind, body and your spirit. So extra rest when we can get it right. That's hard to find during the holidays, but maybe it's turning off the tv, right, and not sort of binge watching or numbing out. Maybe it looks like saying no to one more holiday thing that's going on. Maybe it looks like just allowing yourself to be with all the feelings instead of having to sort of run around and rush again.

That's another topic for another podcast, but it's really deciding in advance how am I going to take care of myself so that I'm actually set up to be able to be managing the stress versus suffocating in the stress. So that looks like sleep, it looks like exercise, it looks like eating and drinking some water. It looks like limiting anything in excess, right? Whether that's busyness, whether that's stuff on our calendar, whether that's drugs and alcohol, whether that's binge watching, whatever, whatever it is that we tend to do. And we all do it, right? We all have these things that we do in excess to try to not feel what's going on. And, so what we want to try to do is just limit the excess. The excess responsibilities, the additional things on our calendar that maybe we don't need or we don't enjoy, right? Or maybe it's saying, you know, we do out of guilt, go to some party or someone's house or some dinner that we actually don't enjoy. It's allowing yourself to say no and really only putting things on your calendar and into your day that are actually filling you up and reducing your stress, not adding to it.

The third thing I want to say is we've got to manage those expectations that we have, right? And this goes into what we were just talking about, but creating so much stress, so much perfectionism, so many sort of big ideals of what it should look like, what we have to do for our children post-divorce. I see so many people and listen, I'm guilty myself of over gifting, right? Sort of overdoing to kind of prove that we're okay and to prove to our kids that they're going to be okay. They don't need all the gifts from us. What they need is for us to be able to be present with them, to connect with them and to create and foster those really beautiful moments. It's just moments that they really need from us. It's our presence, not the present with a T. Right? It is our presence, our willingness to be there with them. so how can you really start to set expectations for yourself? Because we all have them that really are setting you up in advance to show up for your kids, to create new traditions that actually fill you guys up.

We are going to talk about some ideas in a minute, but I want to step back here for one moment because like I said at the top of the show, it's really challenging post-divorce when your kids are off sort of creating new memories, doing different things with the other co parent. And oftentimes we feel left behind. And I understand that feeling. And it's bizarre sometimes to realize that your kid is having an entire experience that you know nothing about. And a lot of times what I see is people sort of getting into a competition around that or wanting theirs to be sort of better with their children. That just creates more stress and more divide.

Instead, what I want to suggest is looking at the holidays, understanding your kids are celebrating with the other co parent, they're having new traditions, there might be new people involved. You can either be in support of or you can be against it. The being against it creates more stress for you, right? And your children. And it's not A competition. So it's really taking the time to realize that yes, your kids are having all of these experiences. And again, deciding with intention, well, what do you want to think about that, how do you want to feel and how do you want to show up? I'll just use my own personal experience. You know, the holidays post-divorce, listen, they're still challenging. We just had Thanksgiving. I used to love the holidays and now I'm a little bit of a ba humbug at times because I don't like spending them separate. I don't like the division of time. And so instead of fighting against that, I've learned to allow that. Actually my holidays just look different now that we're creating new experiences.

But one of the most important things I can do as a mom is promote the cherished memories and the celebration with the other co parent. Now I don't need to go above and beyond, but I also don't need to stand in the way of that. And so what it looks like is understanding and accepting that your kids are having these experiences with the other co parent. Not fighting against it or making it a competition, but just realizing this is what is happening. Right? That is the reality. And how can you show up to help your kids to let that be okay, the littles and the big ones, if we are getting all weird around it or angry or stepping in the way or criticizing or competing, we are actually making it harder on our kids for them to really connect with us.

So instead what we want to do is maybe just say, I know you're going to the other co parents on, you know, Christmas or Hanukkah and I'm going to really miss you. And at the same time, I'm really excited that you get those memories. I'm really happy that you get to do xyz and when you're with me, we're going to really focus on creating and building memories here. It's the both and right it's not but right it's both things can happen at the same time. But that starts with the decision of how do you want to show up during these holidays. Right. Again, is it a competition or are we really showing up to celebrate the whole season? Whatever reality that looks like. So this brings us to creating new memories.

And this is where it might take a little bit of time, you might have to sit down and it might evolve over years. I know it has for me. But really deciding in advance what is it that I want for the holiday. And realistically looking at what is the amount of time I have. What is the schedule? It might be a week on, a week off. The kids might be sharing the holiday. How can you facilitate the least stress, the most spaciousness, and the most sort of, ability to connect with your kids? And so that might look like doing things on different days. Listen, I had to learn this the hard way, but sometimes we get so tied into everything having to be exactly the way that we have it in our minds or in the Hallmark movies or in all of the Christmas stories of it being exactly this one way.

But when we're navigating divorce and different co-parenting schedules, we've got to loosen our grip on the way it should look. So you actually might celebrate with them the week before or the week after or the whole season. But it's really allowing yourself to not get yourself so upset or triggered or overwhelmed or stressed or panicked around what things should look like and really deciding what is it that I want from the whole season, not just one day. And so this might look like, you know, again, creating new traditions. Think about, what did you love as a kid with the holidays, like me? You know, there were a lot of holiday traditions that I really loved, and there are some that I've continued. There's this silly little thing that I've done with my parents forever, and I've actually done it every year with my son is making candy cane reindeer. It involves pipe cleaners, those little googly eyes and some glue and a little red nose like the fluffy felt ones. And, you make the little reindeer, right, with the pipe cleaners as the antlers. And you glue on the little eyeballs and the little nose onto these candy canes. And we line them up, we hang them on the trees, we give them out to people as gifts.

And, you know, my son's almost 15 years old. I'm going to tell you. We still make these because it's a fun memory for me and it's something that we continue to do. And so you can create a little craft project, especially if you have the littles. Let that be those cherished memories they have. It might look like making cookies. It might look like cooking a totally funny meal that you wouldn't normally have on Christmas or Hanukkah or whatever. And you actually just decide we're going to do something new and fresh and make it interesting and let it be trial and error. You know, it might bomb, you guys might not connect. But really looking at what is it that you loved from the holidays as a kid and how can you incorporate that just at some point during the holiday season.

Also looking at what your kids love to do, right? Maybe they really love movies and you're not a movie person. Maybe they really love being outside in the snow, maybe you really don't. But whatever it is really just deciding that you are going to connect with your kids in the ways that they love to connect or what they love to do. Showing interest, facilitating that again, it's moments of connection. These are the holiday things that matter. And so how can you add in more and more and more of that? You know, it could look like just driving around and looking at the lights. I love the lights, right. And I live in Detroit and there's an entire drive, right. That is all focused on the lights and just driving through it, right? Going to grab some burgers and then driving through the lights. It's just the little moments to be able to connect the little moments to be able to create new traditions and new moments with you and your kids. Because listen, the holidays are challenging. They are going to be filled with a lot of emotion. And the more that we can set ourselves up for, less expectation, less stress, less on our calendar, less to do, less things to buy, less money to spend and just focusing on more connection, more moments, more filling ourselves up with what we need.

Spaciousness, rest, good food, water, exercise. These things can still happen during the holidays. And you can decide what you want to do, how you want to make this holiday for you better. I talked a lot about with kids. The one thing that I want to leave you with is what are you doing for yourself? Listen, that first time, if you celebrate Christmas, the first time you wake up to the house when your kids are gone with the other co parent on Christmas morning and you are on your own, I can tell you from firsthand experience, it is hard. It is hard. And this is where it's really that decision in advance of what you need. If you have people around you, lean on them. If it feels good to go sleep in your childhood bed at your parents house that day, do that. If it doesn't, don't, right? Maybe it looks like for me, the dog and I go on a long walk, right? We get up, we go on a long walk. And then because we share the holiday, then I'm ready and I feel more balanced when he comes back. I know Thanksgiving is hard because it's split, you know, and Christmas Day is split and all of these things. But it's really finding those moments of letting myself experience all of the emotions, the sadness, the anger.

I still feel them all these years later. It's not as intense, it's certainly less right. But it's also, I allow it. I see it. Of course I don't like it and I don't expect myself to, but I, do now expect myself to take responsibility for caring for myself, for moving through it in a way that is going to actually serve me and my child and my family instead of trying to ignore it and try to run from it, busying myself so that I'm so exhausted and overwhelmed and short fused that I don't show up for anyone. And that's the decision we have to make. How can we edit out what's not working, what's old, what doesn't need to be, going forward and creating new ways to move into the holiday season in a way that serves you. I am sending you so much love and many blessings today and every day.

And if you need help moving through this holiday season, you are not alone. Reach out. Whether it's me or other people or the people in your life, they might not exactly understand what you're going through, but it does help to reach out and just say, like, this sucks or I'm struggling or I'm really feeling a lot here. But allowing yourself to have support is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself this holiday season. So support yourself so that you can help your children navigate it in a beautiful way. Again, sending you so much love and many blessings. See you next time.

Oh, and one more thing, the legal stuff this podcast is solely intended for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to be a substitute for any medical advice. Please consult your physician or a qualified medical professional for personalized medical advice. Thanks for listening to Co-Parenting With Confidence. If you want more information or resources from this podcast, Visit co parent presentingwithconfidence.com I'll see you next week.